Mundane

My mom is a houswife and listens to all my problems. My dad is always there for me and I even have an annoying younger brother ...he always makes grand entrances to my room and deliberately leaves the door open to tease me. Sometimes I want to kick him and on rare occasions, hug him...my uncles and aunts care for me a lot and I have wonderful grandparents.

I have more than two hundred followers on instagram and I can easily say that I am familiar with almost every student in my grade .I know of two people who will promptly call me their best friend and yet even after being surrounded by such loving people....I feel lonely.

When I was young I was outgoing and I loved talking to people. I wouldn't say that I was a confident person. ( I was never able to and will never be able to order food at a restaurant ) I have had a lot of changes in my personality over the years ...

During my teenage years I convinced myself that I was a cute short girl that everyone loved. I had a lot of acne ,but I never really cared about it ....I used to go to a lot of parties and enjoy with my friends.

It was a usual day at the school and I was standing with a bunch of my friends. A boy suddenly made a joke about my acne . Now while I am writing this ,I don't even remember what he said...but at that time , his words pierced my heart. The rest of the day is a haze to me. I just remember that as soon a I got home ,I ran to my mother and started crying. I asked her repeatedly to make my acne go away ..From that day on ,I became obsessed with my reflection. I stared at the mirror whenever I found a chance and cursed myself for being so ugly . I cried all night long thinking how I was embarrassing myself in front of others by showing my face .

I stopped hanging out with my friends. I started to feel as if they were making fun of me behind my back . Now I realise that it was just my insecurities that made me do it .I think that I was getting so used to finding flaws in myself that I made it a habit. I started hating my friends,my family, myself.

I started forming a wall around myself that nobody could cross. My parents tried to help me, but I shut them out .I did not want to show them that I was suffering. My friends had moved on . I felt like I was completely alone in this entire world . 

I had always been proud of myself for being so social, extrovert and friendly. I had never thought that a day would come , when I would be a complete opposite person.

I missed my face from when I was younger . I missed my friends. I  missed being happy. I missed going out. Most of all, I missed myself.

Even today, I wish I could go back to the good old days when I was so happy all the time .

Now, my acne is gone...but I have still not been able to find myself. I think that deep inside,I will always be, 'the acne girl who is afraid of being judged. '

It's not like I didn't try ...but I think that my insecurities always get in the way . When I try to call someone I feel like I am disturbing them or I am wasting their time . I have to think a hundred times before greeting a stranger because I feel like I would be judged.

I really hope that maybe one day I would be able to move on from my insecurities. Maybe one day I would stop finding flaws in my life. Maybe one day I would stop crying over the past . Maybe one day I would stop comparing myself to others . maybe one day I would be happy again ....